fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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A life of mediocrity

I fear most, a life of mediocrity. Every decision I make leads back to this question: "Where am I leading my life to if I do this". Which often results in long, drawn out thinking that usually come down to last second decisions any way. 

Since I can remember I've thought this way. I never wanted to be like anyone I knew, everyone had flaws and didn't seem truly happy with their existence. I want to overcome every obstacle in my way and achieve what most can't. I've always felt like that is destined for me. That being said, it creates lots of anxiety when making decisions since every little detail has a mountain of pressure resting on it.

What I think I want:

- A good paying job

- An attractive wife/girlfriend

- A big social circle

- Meaningful relationships

- A meaningful career

- Sobriety from drugs and porn


I asked ChatGPT for advice. This is it's response, I kind of like it: 

Balancing ambition with self-compassion could help reduce the anxiety you experience in decision-making. It's important to remember that life is fluid, and no single decision determines the entirety of your journey.

Progress comes from the collective impact of small, intentional actions rather than any single monumental choice. This mindset shift can help reduce the pressure on each decision while still guiding you toward the life you envision.

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