fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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Expectations, Assumptions, and Lust

I've recently felt rejuvenated internally. I started to not give a fuck about what other people thought of me. When I used to go out I would be extremely worried about others perception of me which would make me act my way through the night. I thought I had to be someone in order to be liked. For example being high energy or being a good dancer or being a good flirt. It was a tremendous amount of pressure that I somehow managed to let go of in the span of the last week. I've just been trying to be do me and not worry about what others think. I did struggle a little with my attraction to some females but realized it was purely physical and that if it was going to work out it will work out. In the end it didn't but I had a good time even without having sex. 

So that's it really, if I leave my expectations, assumptions, and lust at the door, I tend to have a much better time just getting to know people and seeing where the day takes me.



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