The Right Way To Look at The World

I've been watching the first season of The White Lotus and for those unfamiliar with the show, it follows a few rich families as they spend their time at a resort in Hawaii. Each family is massively flawed though one particularly caught my attention due to their conversations. The mother is a CEO of a multinational cooperation, the father is unknown but makes less than her, son is addicted to pornography and screens, and daughter is a drug addict with insane jealousy issues. They all have different ideas of what is right and voice them often. The daughter has a black friend who she brought, who both share the idea that "it's time for the white man to step aside" which is contrary to the mother who feels for her son, saying that it's not his fault and not he's being unfairly ostracized from society. The resort they are staying at used to be native and sacred land but the government and developers didn't care. Some of those natives now work at the hotel. Tha...
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In vs Out

I've always felt like an outsider peering into others worlds. Their worlds always seem vast and full of excitement and connection. Mine has felt like a repeat of the same events and circumstances for the last 4 years. I've matured in many ways thankfully but I feel like there were risks and opportunities I didn't take. I want to break this cycle which i've been trying to do through sobriety and therapy. It feels like the next move is to expand to new friendships that suit my needs better.

When I do try and make friends the same thing tends to happen. We talk and have a good time but then I see them again and i start to think of ways they wouldn't be a good friend or why they wouldn't want to be friends with me. Like if they figured out who I was and what I did and how dumb I actually was they wouldn't want to be friends with me. Feeling this way makes it very difficult to connect further and usually we end up not becoming friends.

On this topic I also think they would judge me or not like me if I didn't have other friends or have things to bring them to. I want to leave my old friends for new ones but don't think new one's would like me if I didn't have old friends. This thinking keeps me completely stuck. It demotivates me and makes me judgemental and hateful of old friends who haven't done anything to harm me.

The question is then, how do i stop this thinking, how do I stop with the games and start living authentically? I want to say what I mean and be with people I genuinely enjoy.


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