fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
Post a Comment

Rules

It's not that I'm shy, its more so that I have rules in my head for how the world works. Really, I spend all my time trying to refine these rules. I'll take input from my surroundings like someone saying something and the reaction(output) to that something. Then if it occurs enough or I see it online enough I will make it a default rule. So When I'm at work or in other social situations I weave through conversations and interactions, not trying to break any of these rules. A big one for me is showing any interest whatsoever. I want to be wanted and hard to get. When I hear others talking about going out together, what I really want to say is, "can i come?" but under my rules that is deemed desperate and they would think I'm a loser.

On a separate but related note, I feel this effects the way I walk. I'm so tense cause I don't want to be exposed as something, because having an identify can lead to others hurting it.

Comments

Post a Comment