The Right Way To Look at The World

I've been watching the first season of The White Lotus and for those unfamiliar with the show, it follows a few rich families as they spend their time at a resort in Hawaii. Each family is massively flawed though one particularly caught my attention due to their conversations. The mother is a CEO of a multinational cooperation, the father is unknown but makes less than her, son is addicted to pornography and screens, and daughter is a drug addict with insane jealousy issues. They all have different ideas of what is right and voice them often. The daughter has a black friend who she brought, who both share the idea that "it's time for the white man to step aside" which is contrary to the mother who feels for her son, saying that it's not his fault and not he's being unfairly ostracized from society. The resort they are staying at used to be native and sacred land but the government and developers didn't care. Some of those natives now work at the hotel. Tha...
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Sep 2nd

After a week and a half of moving in my neighbors a few doors down throw a party. They are quite loud but with windows closed it's not an issue. The issue for me is the feeling of missing out. Every time I heard a scream of excitement or loud laugh my jealousy grew. I wanted to be out there, part of the fun. I debated walking into the function but chose against it mostly due to fear of rejection.

As I lay in bed thinking about this I wonder what attracts me to that environment. It's not like I haven't been to a party or kickback, I have and honestly never enjoy them. I feel awkward, out of place, and making conversation feels like a chore. However, anytime I'm not invited or don't go I revert inward and get envious. 

Another reason I didn't go try and introduce myself is cause I didn't want to drink. This summer I've been trying to cut every substance out of my life. I was successful for a few weeks back at the beginning of summer but had "relapsed" for about a month before again freeing myself from their shackles a few weeks ago. I'm honestly feeling great but it's moments like these where I wonder if sobriety is worth it. Am I missing out on life by going against my urges? 


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