fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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Sep 2nd

After a week and a half of moving in my neighbors a few doors down throw a party. They are quite loud but with windows closed it's not an issue. The issue for me is the feeling of missing out. Every time I heard a scream of excitement or loud laugh my jealousy grew. I wanted to be out there, part of the fun. I debated walking into the function but chose against it mostly due to fear of rejection.

As I lay in bed thinking about this I wonder what attracts me to that environment. It's not like I haven't been to a party or kickback, I have and honestly never enjoy them. I feel awkward, out of place, and making conversation feels like a chore. However, anytime I'm not invited or don't go I revert inward and get envious. 

Another reason I didn't go try and introduce myself is cause I didn't want to drink. This summer I've been trying to cut every substance out of my life. I was successful for a few weeks back at the beginning of summer but had "relapsed" for about a month before again freeing myself from their shackles a few weeks ago. I'm honestly feeling great but it's moments like these where I wonder if sobriety is worth it. Am I missing out on life by going against my urges? 


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