MAYBE MATURING

 I've always been enamored with the idea of "being myself" in all situations. When I was younger I really didn't know what this meant. I didn't realize it but I was constantly changing who I was to please others. There were times where I was myself but I was scared to maintain that long-term since I always felt I had to change for the people I was around.  Now that I'm starting to understand the nuances of being myself more. I realize that I am someone with much more needs that I had previously let on. These needs typically arise in situations I care about. For example I'm in the process of potentially getting a job outside of where I live. I was offered the position and I'm excited about it but have had a hard time asking the real questions to the person that hired me because I'm scared that the offer will get rescinded.  This is similar in romantic relations, I often stop myself from asking the real questions I care about and instead keep it surf...

 I sometimes think the people I surround myself with hold me back. I'm starting to believe I'm holding myself back. When I'm around these people–friends, family, acquaintances in public I feel shy, embarrassed to take risks or act in ways I otherwise would have had I been by my lonesome.

 My grandparents called me today which scares me every time cause I think they are going to tell me one of them died. I'm not sure how I would react to that news since I've had no deaths in the family since I was a little kid. My grandpa left me a voice message saying he needed to talk to me and I called him later in the day. He was worried about a job I have lined up in the fall. He shares many of the same worries I do and I'm conflicted on how to take his actions. On the one hand I too share some worries about the uncertainty of the job and he pointed out some things that would be smart to do. On the other hand he hasn't really been a part of my life and has caused me a lot of stress today. Along with the advice it felt like there was a lack of belief in what I could do. He asked me what I wanted to be and I told him that I don't know and I wish I did. He replied that he wish I did too.  When someone expresses their opinion of my actions I tend to strongly agree w...

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...

 I've often struggled with a sense of direction. My actions as well as my environment have made it somewhat easy to follow a routine path through to the end of college. Many kids get jobs right away or go back to pursue further education. I did neither. I wanted a detox from the constant "path" that I, as an American citizen was suppose to follow. The detox, coming up on a year out of school has had it's ups and downs. I've faced many fears including talking about my feelings, fears, trauma, and general anxieties that plague my days. I'm still not where I want to be but the progress was much quicker than when I'd been in school and preoccupied with everything that comes with that.  I'm at the point where I feel a direction needs to be chosen. I have a job as a real estate agent secured in New York City for the fall which is tempting but is risky. Other options are to go back to school, or continue serving and bartending in my hometown. I can't make...