fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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Other people

 My grandparents called me today which scares me every time cause I think they are going to tell me one of them died. I'm not sure how I would react to that news since I've had no deaths in the family since I was a little kid. My grandpa left me a voice message saying he needed to talk to me and I called him later in the day. He was worried about a job I have lined up in the fall. He shares many of the same worries I do and I'm conflicted on how to take his actions. On the one hand I too share some worries about the uncertainty of the job and he pointed out some things that would be smart to do. On the other hand he hasn't really been a part of my life and has caused me a lot of stress today. Along with the advice it felt like there was a lack of belief in what I could do. He asked me what I wanted to be and I told him that I don't know and I wish I did. He replied that he wish I did too. 

When someone expresses their opinion of my actions I tend to strongly agree with them, so after our conversation I felt like this opportunity I was excited about was actually a bad idea. Hence ruining, my future plans that I had somewhat banked a lot on. 

It has felt that a lot of my "happiness" has come this idea that I have a job lined up. When that mental idea is somewhat challenged I freaked out. In reality I was quite calm but I felt out of control and at one point thought I might have a panic attack.

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