myself

 I've always been enamored with the idea of "being myself" in all situations. When I was younger I really didn't know what this meant. I didn't realize it but I was constantly changing who I was to please others. There were times where I was myself but I was scared to maintain that long-term since I always felt I had to change for the people I was around.  Now that I'm starting to understand the nuances of being myself more. I realize that I am someone with much more needs that I had previously let on. These needs typically arise in situations I care about. For example I'm in the process of potentially getting a job outside of where I live. I was offered the position and I'm excited about it but have had a hard time asking the real questions to the person that hired me because I'm scared that the offer will get rescinded.  This is similar in romantic relations, I often stop myself from asking the real questions I care about and instead keep it surf...
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Other people

 My grandparents called me today which scares me every time cause I think they are going to tell me one of them died. I'm not sure how I would react to that news since I've had no deaths in the family since I was a little kid. My grandpa left me a voice message saying he needed to talk to me and I called him later in the day. He was worried about a job I have lined up in the fall. He shares many of the same worries I do and I'm conflicted on how to take his actions. On the one hand I too share some worries about the uncertainty of the job and he pointed out some things that would be smart to do. On the other hand he hasn't really been a part of my life and has caused me a lot of stress today. Along with the advice it felt like there was a lack of belief in what I could do. He asked me what I wanted to be and I told him that I don't know and I wish I did. He replied that he wish I did too. 

When someone expresses their opinion of my actions I tend to strongly agree with them, so after our conversation I felt like this opportunity I was excited about was actually a bad idea. Hence ruining, my future plans that I had somewhat banked a lot on. 

It has felt that a lot of my "happiness" has come this idea that I have a job lined up. When that mental idea is somewhat challenged I freaked out. In reality I was quite calm but I felt out of control and at one point thought I might have a panic attack.

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