myself

 I've always been enamored with the idea of "being myself" in all situations. When I was younger I really didn't know what this meant. I didn't realize it but I was constantly changing who I was to please others. There were times where I was myself but I was scared to maintain that long-term since I always felt I had to change for the people I was around. 

Now that I'm starting to understand the nuances of being myself more. I realize that I am someone with much more needs that I had previously let on. These needs typically arise in situations I care about. For example I'm in the process of potentially getting a job outside of where I live. I was offered the position and I'm excited about it but have had a hard time asking the real questions to the person that hired me because I'm scared that the offer will get rescinded. 

This is similar in romantic relations, I often stop myself from asking the real questions I care about and instead keep it surface level. That way, I don't have to feel rejection and still grip to that validation I crave. 

So in theory I understand that if I want to truly be myself I need to ask what I'm truly curious or worried about. The next level to this is with other thoughts I have that might actually be inappropriate. Like flirting with a co-worker or hiding my true intentions with a co-worker. I get upset with myself when I have a good conversation with someone I'm attracted to cause it feels like I'm being manipulative. I want to spill my guts out to them that I like them but instead I just talk to them like a friend.