Detach from outcome

 Spent a lot of the day in bed. Tired and reflecting upon the last week I find I've changed my perspective a lot. I've adopted this new belief that emphasizes the choice of oneself over others opinions. It's difficult to explain fully as I myself haven't quite figured it out yet but essentially I'm letting go.

Letting go of others opinions of me and doing what I want to do. As I read this I'm understanding why most adults advice is to "be yourself" cause in essence that's what this is but it's always been difficult to understand in practice. It still is and I still find myself hiding because I'm afraid to be judged. This typically takes the form of chasing women's approval, which I have done a lot of in my life.

An example for how this is still relevant is that since I've been doing more things I want to do, I tend to talk to more women and be more outgoing. The beginning is great and I feel good but then when I get home and a few days pass and I continue the relationship with them things start to get messy. I get in my head about things I want to say or things I did say. If they don't text back within an hour I get antsy and worried that what I said might have offended them. 

What's frustrating is when I'm present these things don't bother me and I'm able to be myself fully but as soon as I start to seek approval I tense up and everything I do feels off to me and probably to them. 

An exercise I'm going to try after writing this is to go a week, doing my absolute best to say and do what I want. Obviously, respecting others boundaries and what not but not caring what the response will be. I need to detach from outcome.