fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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friends

 I want friends and the only people I can seem to connect with on an emotional level are women. The problem then becomes that I want to sleep with them. My thought is that that is the way I'm programmed as a man and I shouldn't seek women friendships. Instead I should connect with men which unfortunately I've struggled with tremendously. I'm saying this having had close friends since high school yet I'm not able to bond with them the way I wish I could. It's difficult to explain the difference between male friendships and female friendships but the ladder typically energizes me and gives me confidence while the ladder feels like a chore. A lot of the guys I meet seem really stupid and only want to talk about sports. 

I feel stuck wanting new friendships and relationships and constantly feeling like I either fuck it up or don't actually like the person. Typically it's the people I find most interesting that I struggle to interact with. I see all their good qualities and assume they'd want nothing to do with me.

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