fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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I could if I wanted to but I don't

 I've been thinking about this a lot since I've been going out of my comfort zone more. I've reached a point where I don't feel like doing things out of my comfort zone every day. It gets tiring and the thought kind of bores me sometimes. I would sometimes rather just sit in my room and play video games. In my head I'll be angry at myself for not going out or doing a certain activity I had previously deemed scary. Like I'm not working on my goal to be more confident & social. So now I like to tell myself that it's not a fear holding me back from doing it, it's just me not finding it necessary to work on at the moment. It's coming from a place of choice rather than fear.



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