experiment with anger.

 This post is in two parts. The first will discuss my interpretation of the justified anger debate and the other will be a free flow of ideas regarding the emotion of anger. To start lets examine how anger shows up. For me it's energy in the middle region and spread throughout the body. It's thoughts of events that replay over and over again. It's the debate you have in your head of wrongness and rightness. You will meticulously retrieve every piece of information you can remember to change the story and "win" the argument with yourself. It's restlessness, inability to sleep that can spiral into motivational energy. The type of energy you want at the beginning of a soccer match. The type that gets you so hyped you don't give a shit what anyone else does or says you are going to be flowing. The ladder is the anger I want to channel instead of this somewhat uncontrolled and inconsistent rage I feel towards recent events.  I got a little off topic so lets go ...
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moderation

 As I reflect on the last few weeks I notice that I've been less consistent with things. Be that the gym, my physical therapy exercises, or a diet. I've spent more days resting and sleeping in. For the most part give or take a few days I've felt good. Those days did feel extra bad since the guilt and shame I was feeling multiplied by the added thought of not being productive. 

Continuing to reflect on the week I wonder if this is how I want to move forward with my life or if I should go back to more discipline. Less gym gives me time and energy to do things and the added rest adds to that. Certain substances give me some clarity and help shift my perspective to something more positive. So I think overall this is a good thing thats happening. I don't want to go overboard and stop doing things that are healthy but I also want to add rest and treats into my days and weeks.

The last thought is that I need to get over the shame and guilt I feel if I do indulge. Knowing myself I'm not an addict nor have treated my body in an unhealthy manner long-term yet any little "sin" I commit I feel guilt for. So I need to let myself enjoy things every once and a while and notice when that little voice shames me and tell it it's gonna be okay.

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