fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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numb

 I've been struggling with this feeling of numbness recently. As I've stated previously, things in my life really seem to be on the come up with work and overcoming fears. Still I feel an emptiness when I'm winding down for the evening. It's a restlessness that I am starting to really hate. I feel I should be doing something productive in this time like playing guitar or practicing some dance moves, or reading. But I numb myself with porn and other distractions on the internet. 

I'm definitely craving some love from a women, I think that would help and I think back on my ex and wonder about what could have been. Then I have to snap myself back and remember that I ended things while we were together. So what I'm craving now isn't really her it's the feeling associated with someone liking you. It's chasing the feeling, and when you chase something it typically runs away from you. 



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