fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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picturing a healthy male role model

 As the title suggests this is an exercise in determining what traits I deem a mature and healthy male to have.

In no particular order, I'm going to ramble a bit. 


- Strong

- Protective

- Lifts people up

- Educates rather than shames

- Stands up for what he believes in

- Is competitive but mature about losing

- Works with others and sees their value

- Has uncomfortable conversations to clarify a conflict

- Has a consistent personality and belief system that doesn't change depending on who he's around

- Provides for himself and invests in his future

- Has fun 

- Is a role model


I'm a little hesitant writing these down, in theory I do believe all these things are good traits and I would love to try and embody each and every one but deep down I feel i'm going to feel shame for not living up to these all the time. So I think it's good to know what I want to become, I also need to be cautious of how forceful I become against myself.

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