fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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women

If I had to trace back 95% of my issues with life it comes back to women. I'm not blaming any individual women nor how they act but instead telling you how I've dealt with women in my life. The story goes that I wasn't very good with women in high school, I lost my virginity to a family friends daughter who I barely knew then covid happened my senior year and lingered till my sophomore year of college. In college I had success but I was never satisfied, I wanted a hotter, smarter girlfriend. The complete package. I believe it's one of the reasons I decided to work as a bartender. So I could be around pretty women all day. It's truly the only thing I think about. I've gotten good at talking to them and recently have tried to just be friends with most of them. This approach has really driven me crazy. I try but it goes against every bone in my body to not want to have sex or a relationship with them. Then I start to think about if what i'm doing is even natural and my head starts spiraling. 

I want to focus on myself and my goals but am so enamored by women that I can't think. I feel like an asshole who can't be friends with women, and I feel like a loser cause I don't sleep with the ones I want to sleep with. The only little thing I get is some of their attention for a few hours a day at work and that's it. 

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