experiment with anger.

 This post is in two parts. The first will discuss my interpretation of the justified anger debate and the other will be a free flow of ideas regarding the emotion of anger. To start lets examine how anger shows up. For me it's energy in the middle region and spread throughout the body. It's thoughts of events that replay over and over again. It's the debate you have in your head of wrongness and rightness. You will meticulously retrieve every piece of information you can remember to change the story and "win" the argument with yourself. It's restlessness, inability to sleep that can spiral into motivational energy. The type of energy you want at the beginning of a soccer match. The type that gets you so hyped you don't give a shit what anyone else does or says you are going to be flowing. The ladder is the anger I want to channel instead of this somewhat uncontrolled and inconsistent rage I feel towards recent events.  I got a little off topic so lets go ...
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fun

Writing late at night I often am of freer mind. I'm like the dude who gets super motivated to get jacked and rich at 3am but by the time the next day rolls around he's back to his old habits. At 3am he's flying though. Anyway there's something interesting about this time cause it unlocks a part of your brain or slows negative thoughts and allows for insightful thoughts. Right now I think about fun and why exactly I don't feel I'm having enough of it. I think the main factors are how I think I'm perceived by others, financial constraints, and that's it actually. Both those have some roots in reality but are largely rooted in anxiety. When I'm out for example, I really care what the people I'm with think of me and what the people around think of myself and my group. I don't want to be loud and cause a scene or do something to upset anyone and draw any attention. I also struggle making plans to spend my money. I want to save it for when I need it which is fair but also resulted in a life that's pretty mundane. 

So a goal of mine will be to try and have more fun. Worrying less what people think of me and using money as a tool for fun and happiness.

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