fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
Post a Comment

fun

Writing late at night I often am of freer mind. I'm like the dude who gets super motivated to get jacked and rich at 3am but by the time the next day rolls around he's back to his old habits. At 3am he's flying though. Anyway there's something interesting about this time cause it unlocks a part of your brain or slows negative thoughts and allows for insightful thoughts. Right now I think about fun and why exactly I don't feel I'm having enough of it. I think the main factors are how I think I'm perceived by others, financial constraints, and that's it actually. Both those have some roots in reality but are largely rooted in anxiety. When I'm out for example, I really care what the people I'm with think of me and what the people around think of myself and my group. I don't want to be loud and cause a scene or do something to upset anyone and draw any attention. I also struggle making plans to spend my money. I want to save it for when I need it which is fair but also resulted in a life that's pretty mundane. 

So a goal of mine will be to try and have more fun. Worrying less what people think of me and using money as a tool for fun and happiness.

Comments

Post a Comment