Is there only one path?

 I've reached a new chapter in my life and the future is really in the hands of the universe at this point. Whether or not I move depends on external factors as well as my own willingness to do so. More often than not I've started to believe that external factors are just a projection of what you really want. For example as I start to enjoy my time in my hometown and the relationships and the more I doubt the move the more issues arise with said move. 

So there's currently a lot of doubt about what I want to do which unfortunately has overshadowed some really amazing growth I've shown over the last few weeks. In my head it's like a huge checklist of fears/wants/whathaveyou, that has built over the years and as I learn to let go that list slowly gets checked away. As of starting the letting go process a lot of fears have been checked off that list and as of the last week more have been as well. Just because I've made the progress however doesn't mean I feel fulfilled. There's always a want for more, a desire to have things that I don't. Instead of being present and happy with what I've achieved I'm restless to not think about this checklist at all. I want complete nirvana. 

Maybe I'm crazy to think that way but I don't see the harm in trying. That being said, as I read literature about becoming happier I tend to set that as an expectation of my reality. This often makes sadness seem trite. I want to be happy overall therefore this moment of sadness is strange and WRONG. That's the real kicker I think. Instead of being with the emotion of sadness or angst I try and fix it. Is that wrong? or is that just how I am? 

The same goes for other emotions, anger, fear, even happiness. I'm conflicted by all of them. Do I act on anger? do I act on happiness? What's the difference? 

How I currently view it:

I'm going about daily life. Something small happens and it flares up my emotions. Let's say I get angry in this example. What I'd want to do is instead of expressing that anger, to forgive the person. 

Counter:

What if that anger is somehow justified? Did that person do something that deserves an angry response and if so is there a line you can draw? or is it all just instinct? Are we all just on a timeline or do we branch to something new every time we make a decision like this? I tend to think the ladder and hence choose the safest option always.