shame

 The last two days, post big celebrations that involved drinking, weed, and tobacco, have left me in a puddle of shame. I moved to New York and although I'm happy being here, I am not earning enough to support myself and need help from my mother. That alone makes me feel worthless and like an idiot for moving here. Those thoughts have compounded along with negative thoughts about my career choice. I'm an real estate agent in the city and all I can think about is how worthless the job is and how messed up society is. I'm just helping the real estate owners get richer and richer, widening the gap of equality. 

The problem is I don't have any other skills that I can survive off. 

Those are about 60% of the negative thoughts I've been having. The other portion is my lack of social IQ. I met up with a bunch of old friends for one of their birthdays and after smoking some weed I noticed how unbelievably out I touch I was with their going-ons. I barely knew anything about them and I felt like an outsider. That would be understandable and all but what really hurt is knowing I'm kind of an outsider in all my circles and I always have been. Unless I smoke weed I can't actually connect with people. I always end up getting into situations of conflict or somewhat negative energy when I'm sober. I'll get judgmental or try and "teach" the other person how something should be. I end up creating reasons for hating the other person.

Lastly is my inability to understand my sexuality. I've always slept with women and that's who typically draws my eye but lately when I've gone out I've noticed men a lot more often. I don't know if they are gay and they are flirty or what it is but it's strange and I feel like I resist it. On the other end of that when I start talking with women I find attractive, my urge to sleep with them completely blocks me off from forming any sort of real relationship.