fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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porn and masterbation

A predicament I often find myself in is this. I won't masterbate for a few days. Afterwhich I get horny and want to masterbate. My mind instantly goes to wanting to watch porn. 

The conflict that arises is this sense of guilt for watching porn instead of going out and finding a women. Am I somehow wasting my potential by just jerking off to porn? Am I harming myself by doing so? 

One argument is that I'd just hurt the women I find cause I just want her for sex. 


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