fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 

Dec 17 (2)

I measure my success in life by how attractive I am to females. I could be working and having a great time but if my co-worker whom I am attracted begins talking about other men she is interested in I immediately become insecure. I start to think, "Why isn't she talking about me or trying to get with me". Then for the next few days, I'll start to act more "manly", and more aggressive because that's what the internet tells me women want. I'll become insecure and try to act my way into getting pussy. 

I want the best of both worlds and I want every woman I come across to like me. Morgan Freeman said that the key to success with women is to not pursue them and in a way, I understand what he means. It's not about not showing interest but more about not caring about the result. I can tell a woman she has beautiful eyes and go on with my day. Her reaction is up to her to decide, but I said what I felt in the moment. I didn't try and manipulate her. No attachment was created because in reality, the ones we do create are always imagined and only lead to unnecessary suffering.

This is advice I only plan to follow when it comes to women I don't know. I understand that dynamics change when you are in a relationship and that bond and attachment mean something. For my purposes, it's more about separating the physical nature of a woman and her inner essence. In my life, I've become obsessed with her outer appearance and created a bond with just that. If instead I can acknowledge that attraction, I can work to loosen my attachment to it and focus more on the inner soul.

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