fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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what I want in my life

 I feel like a big downside of my character is the inability to decide what I want in my life. This typically being between ideas, values, and people. A recent example is taking on a more religious life vs continuing under the spiritual path I had taken. Remaining friends with the same people or making new friends. Being a conservative vs a liberal. One day I love my friends, I feel my path connected spiritually with the world, and capitalism and a more conservative worldview reign supreme. The next day I'm bored with what my friends have to say and wish I had different ones, my path feels blocked by my past and the current society we live in, and all I want is drastic change. These ideas aren't don't have to be bundled together they all scramble between each other and really confuse me. 

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