MAYBE MATURING

My mind battles between two separate ideologies. One of survival, where fitting in means everything and doing what others do like apply to internships and corporate jobs. The other part of me believes more in the present moment and enjoying what you have and not trying to force change. Both have their moments and me me feel good and bad sometimes. I think the real problem with this is that it keeps me stuck and unless I actively try something and go against my battling mind, I will actually get to experience life.  So just as a reminder to myself. I'm going to go against the thoughts that will lead me astray and instead choose something to pursue. This means sacrificing other things you like doing or at least scheduling your day around this certain activity. This doesn't mean it's the thing you have to do for the rest of your life but it's something you really want to try. Ok thats enough. Here is a picture of a building.

 I'm drunk, high, and off of some nicotine and I want to see what I'm going to write.  I feel like part of me has a great disliking for my own character. There is constant judgement about my actions and no sympathy for how I've dealt with things. It feels like everything that is not perfect is terrible and one action defines me as a character. I could have a great night but one comment completely derails and invalidates all other actions taken that night.  The fact that I am juggling 2 jobs and a full schedule of school doesn't even cross my mind. The only thing that does is the mistakes I made in those jobs, or in school. Any little mistake just lingers. Part of me thinks this is how it is. The mind goes to dark places to force you to become a better version of yourself, but another part of me believes that this forcement should come naturally and with some sort of grace instead of self-hatred/doubt.

 I told myself I was going to write this in the morning but that was 15 minutes ago and I've since changed my mind. It's 12:16AM and I have the urge to write. The last few months have been a pretty strange period. I can't really tell if I've matured at all or if it's the weed. I go in and out of thinking phases more often, like I'll think that meditation is the answer but then I'll also go into pleasure seeking behaviors like drugs, alcohol, sex, love and gaming. Both never really get me to what I want so I switch when I don't think one way of thinking is working. For example, in my meditation phase, I'll be very calm and present but at the same time extremely nice and forgiving. In this phase I feel like I'm most susceptible to get taken advantage of. I think the right balance is to be in that state but also be aware enough to stand up for yourself when you think something is going wrong. Then when I'm in my pleasure seeking phase my actions...

This is a little different. I usually write these journal entries/blog posts when I’m high but tonight I’m drunk as fuck. I went out with some homies who I’ve known for so long and although I didn’t think I would, I had a great time. When I got home I felt a little nautious and threw up. I’m feeling better now and got the urge to write something. Being drunk is so much different than smoking for me. I guess I’m both right now but drinking really boosts some type of energy in me. I feel connected to myself and the world around me, I feel grateful for what I have. These feelings aren’t there when I’m sober or high. I doubt my relationships, my family, my friends, my future. I just can’t stop thinking about it. Now I feel great, I want to tell the people I love that I love them and I want this feeling of peace to last. I’m writing this cause I think I know that this won’t last, at least not in the short term. I will go back to my old ways of doubt, fear, and guilt and I guess that’s okay....

I started to feel very insecure and emotional at work today. The day was very slow and my manager assigned me some busy work like folding napkins and taking down Christmas decorations. This already made me feel a little mad because I felt like I was being treated unfairly. This usually happens when someone asks me to do something for them. Following that, the few tables that I did have weren’t the usual layout I’ve worked on in the past. This made me uncomfortable and took me out of my element. A few tables seemed annoyed at me for weird timing and not knowing the drink menu well. That further made me self conscious and upset.