MAYBE MATURING

 I've been struggling with this feeling of numbness recently. As I've stated previously, things in my life really seem to be on the come up with work and overcoming fears. Still I feel an emptiness when I'm winding down for the evening. It's a restlessness that I am starting to really hate. I feel I should be doing something productive in this time like playing guitar or practicing some dance moves, or reading. But I numb myself with porn and other distractions on the internet.  I'm definitely craving some love from a women, I think that would help and I think back on my ex and wonder about what could have been. Then I have to snap myself back and remember that I ended things while we were together. So what I'm craving now isn't really her it's the feeling associated with someone liking you. It's chasing the feeling, and when you chase something it typically runs away from you. 

 I've been thinking about this a lot since I've been going out of my comfort zone more. I've reached a point where I don't feel like doing things out of my comfort zone every day. It gets tiring and the thought kind of bores me sometimes. I would sometimes rather just sit in my room and play video games. In my head I'll be angry at myself for not going out or doing a certain activity I had previously deemed scary. Like I'm not working on my goal to be more confident & social. So now I like to tell myself that it's not a fear holding me back from doing it, it's just me not finding it necessary to work on at the moment. It's coming from a place of choice rather than fear.

I started taking some nicotine pouches recently in an attempt to quench my cigarette habit to have healthier lungs. It's a much different drug in my eyes as the effects are much more mellow and less apparent. Since I started three days ago I've also taken two naps. Both times I had nightmares where I woke up in a state of high anxiety that I could FEEL. This feeling didn't end after the dream and persisted yet I had controlled over it. I felt it but was able to calm myself down and be present with it. This occurred two days in a row only after naps. After the nap and anxiety I actually felt very good.  I think my feelings have been repressed for a long time and actually being able to feel something so heavily made me feel good. On that subject of feeling I've been practicing surrendering and sitting with emotions more frequently. I'm still not entirely sure what that really looks like but for me right now it just means trying to feel it in my body which is typically...

 I want friends and the only people I can seem to connect with on an emotional level are women. The problem then becomes that I want to sleep with them. My thought is that that is the way I'm programmed as a man and I shouldn't seek women friendships. Instead I should connect with men which unfortunately I've struggled with tremendously. I'm saying this having had close friends since high school yet I'm not able to bond with them the way I wish I could. It's difficult to explain the difference between male friendships and female friendships but the ladder typically energizes me and gives me confidence while the ladder feels like a chore. A lot of the guys I meet seem really stupid and only want to talk about sports.  I feel stuck wanting new friendships and relationships and constantly feeling like I either fuck it up or don't actually like the person. Typically it's the people I find most interesting that I struggle to interact with. I see all their goo...

 It's been a few weeks now where my sleep has been really bad. I get the feeling that it started when I started drinking and smoking more and exercising less. That sounds obvious reading it but doing those things have made me enjoy life more and helped me accomplish some personal goals. Yet, my thoughts run rampant at night. I finally asked for a promotion which I'd been thinking about for a while which feels great and might help with that thought at least. Still I lay awake tonight restless. Last time I worked on my sleep schedule I focused on consistency. Consistently going to bed around the same time, reading a book, and having no screens an hour prior to bed. This helped and I slept much better. This brings me to another tangent of mine and my general distain for consistency. I understand it all in practice, go to the gym, eat healthy, go to bed at the same time, read. All these things do make me feel good but it comes with the caveat that I think I have to do these things ...

 Spent a lot of the day in bed. Tired and reflecting upon the last week I find I've changed my perspective a lot. I've adopted this new belief that emphasizes the choice of oneself over others opinions. It's difficult to explain fully as I myself haven't quite figured it out yet but essentially I'm letting go. Letting go of others opinions of me and doing what I want to do. As I read this I'm understanding why most adults advice is to "be yourself" cause in essence that's what this is but it's always been difficult to understand in practice. It still is and I still find myself hiding because I'm afraid to be judged. This typically takes the form of chasing women's approval, which I have done a lot of in my life. An example for how this is still relevant is that since I've been doing more things I want to do, I tend to talk to more women and be more outgoing. The beginning is great and I feel good but then when I get home and a few d...

 As the title suggests this is an exercise in determining what traits I deem a mature and healthy male to have. In no particular order, I'm going to ramble a bit.  - Strong - Protective - Lifts people up - Educates rather than shames - Stands up for what he believes in - Is competitive but mature about losing - Works with others and sees their value - Has uncomfortable conversations to clarify a conflict - Has a consistent personality and belief system that doesn't change depending on who he's around - Provides for himself and invests in his future - Has fun  - Is a role model I'm a little hesitant writing these down, in theory I do believe all these things are good traits and I would love to try and embody each and every one but deep down I feel i'm going to feel shame for not living up to these all the time. So I think it's good to know what I want to become, I also need to be cautious of how forceful I become against myself.

 It's late and I'm falling asleep but feel the need to write this thought down so forgive me if it's not organized well.  I recently went to a party which is something I don't often get invited too. I was really nervous but I powered through by taking action like ordering the lyft or going to get beer. Staying busy like that keeps my mind from ruminating until the moment. After arriving at the party I say hi to the host and then am set free to socialize. Oh man, I did not like that feeling at all. I talked to some people I knew then found some people in the back who didn't scare me. We talked and they were nice people but just like me weren't in the circles they probably wish they were. I was able to go up to them no problem and strike up conversation but the thought of doing that with people I deem cool, popular, hot, etc.., is extremely daunting.  This got me thinking about my limiting belief that creates this torturous scenario of not being able to be myself ...

 I've struggled with the concept of masculinity for a few years now starting around my sophomore year in college. I started getting frustrated with the relationships (male and female) that I was getting into. I never felt satisfied. I was always on one end of the extremes, either ecstatic or depressed and anxious. I started reading this book called No More Mr. Nice Guy and instantly connected with the stories being told. The concept is that men through parenting, upbringing, and surrounding cultural climate have become shells of themselves and that that is an inherently bad thing.  The author characteristic a "Nice Guy" as someone who isn't actually nice. They pretend to be nice to gain approval and get their needs met. An example is someone who is nice to women in hopes that he can sleep with them. He frames it as manipulative and that it's a cycle you want to break out of. I agreed with him when I first read it and still agree with a lot of what he has to say.  ...

 As I reflect on the last few weeks I notice that I've been less consistent with things. Be that the gym, my physical therapy exercises, or a diet. I've spent more days resting and sleeping in. For the most part give or take a few days I've felt good. Those days did feel extra bad since the guilt and shame I was feeling multiplied by the added thought of not being productive.  Continuing to reflect on the week I wonder if this is how I want to move forward with my life or if I should go back to more discipline. Less gym gives me time and energy to do things and the added rest adds to that. Certain substances give me some clarity and help shift my perspective to something more positive. So I think overall this is a good thing thats happening. I don't want to go overboard and stop doing things that are healthy but I also want to add rest and treats into my days and weeks. The last thought is that I need to get over the shame and guilt I feel if I do indulge. Knowing mysel...

If I had to trace back 95% of my issues with life it comes back to women. I'm not blaming any individual women nor how they act but instead telling you how I've dealt with women in my life. The story goes that I wasn't very good with women in high school, I lost my virginity to a family friends daughter who I barely knew then covid happened my senior year and lingered till my sophomore year of college. In college I had success but I was never satisfied, I wanted a hotter, smarter girlfriend. The complete package. I believe it's one of the reasons I decided to work as a bartender. So I could be around pretty women all day. It's truly the only thing I think about. I've gotten good at talking to them and recently have tried to just be friends with most of them. This approach has really driven me crazy. I try but it goes against every bone in my body to not want to have sex or a relationship with them. Then I start to think about if what i'm doing is even natura...