MAYBE MATURING

 As I reflect on the last few weeks I notice that I've been less consistent with things. Be that the gym, my physical therapy exercises, or a diet. I've spent more days resting and sleeping in. For the most part give or take a few days I've felt good. Those days did feel extra bad since the guilt and shame I was feeling multiplied by the added thought of not being productive.  Continuing to reflect on the week I wonder if this is how I want to move forward with my life or if I should go back to more discipline. Less gym gives me time and energy to do things and the added rest adds to that. Certain substances give me some clarity and help shift my perspective to something more positive. So I think overall this is a good thing thats happening. I don't want to go overboard and stop doing things that are healthy but I also want to add rest and treats into my days and weeks. The last thought is that I need to get over the shame and guilt I feel if I do indulge. Knowing mysel...

If I had to trace back 95% of my issues with life it comes back to women. I'm not blaming any individual women nor how they act but instead telling you how I've dealt with women in my life. The story goes that I wasn't very good with women in high school, I lost my virginity to a family friends daughter who I barely knew then covid happened my senior year and lingered till my sophomore year of college. In college I had success but I was never satisfied, I wanted a hotter, smarter girlfriend. The complete package. I believe it's one of the reasons I decided to work as a bartender. So I could be around pretty women all day. It's truly the only thing I think about. I've gotten good at talking to them and recently have tried to just be friends with most of them. This approach has really driven me crazy. I try but it goes against every bone in my body to not want to have sex or a relationship with them. Then I start to think about if what i'm doing is even natura...